


Missing Passages of Your Grace

by thebluesweater



Series: F'r Thee Has't Eyes To Seeth, Alloweth Those Eyes Seeth [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Coming Out, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Gen, Growing Up Together, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Pining, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-16
Updated: 2018-07-13
Packaged: 2019-05-07 07:30:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 16,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14666295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebluesweater/pseuds/thebluesweater
Summary: The prologue, the story behind the tale and the epilogue of Renjun Huang.(or the prequel/sequel toThe Unraveling of Your Grace)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This isn't a stand alone fic so it's better for you to read the [firs part](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14274009) before you proceed with this one.
> 
> I'm back as I promised huhu. I hope you're still with me.
> 
> Please, please, please DO NOT REPOST the fic anywhere. Any other version of the fic in any platform besides this one in MY profile is not allowed.
> 
> This is a work of fiction and I don't claim any of these to be true. Mistakes are mine. I apologize in advance.
> 
> C, thank you as always.
> 
> Please, enjoy! :">

ooOoo

Rapture

 

The first time he saw him, he was just a child, crying and terrified behind Taeyong’s back. Jaehyun just got let out by his mother after taking a mandatory afternoon nap like the good kid he was and went straight to the playground in their neighborhood, excited to show the kids his new remote controlled chopper.

When he entered the fences of the ground, he found his playmates surrounding Taeyong and the crying kid and wondered what they were up to. As he got closer, he heard the conversation being exchanged.

“He said he didn't understand what you meant. It’s clear that he’s not fluent in Korean. Don’t make fun of him for something that isn’t his fault.” Taeyong, his ever so righteous best friend, indignantly said, eyes glaring at the other kids.

“Taeyong, how can you side with him? We’re your friends! He’s just a stupid little kid, anyway.” their playmate retorted.

“I’ve been trying to hold this in, Munseo, because you and I have been friends since we were in second grade. But you’re a bully and I can’t take it any longer. I don’t want to be friends with you anymore. You can go suck a worm for all I care.” then Taeyong turned to the little kid and grabbed him by the hand, “Come on. Let’s play in my house.”

Jaehyun startled out of his daze when Taeyong strided to his direction, eyes determined and fuming. He stopped in front of Jaehyun with the kid plastered to his side still sniffing.

“Jaehyun, do you want to come with us?” Taeyong asked. It was then when Jaehyun realized that the older boy had a slight tremble in his body, and his lips were quivering. Nevertheless, he was trying so desperately hard not to show that what he just did, overthrowing a friendship that he had for so long aside to live with his beliefs and moral, had shaken him.

Jaehyun’s lips parted slightly. Taeyong had always been like this. A person who would fight head on with someone if they are in the wrong just to do the right thing, no matter if that someone was his friend. No matter if in the end, he had to leave them. He would always choose to be straightforward. Always do what’s best for everyone, even if it would not give him satisfaction or happiness. He was selfless to a fault ever since. It’s what made Jaehyun’s child self admire the other. And when he grew up he would later realize that what he was feeling for Taeyong then wasn’t just admiration.

“Jaehyun?” Taeyong’s voice asked, shakily. Jaehyun realized that Taeyong did not just want him to come with them. He wanted him to side with them and give him validation that what he did was right; that he did good. Of course Jaehyun did not know that back then. He didn’t understand how much Taeyong depended on his words because he was just a child. They all were.

But still, Jaehyun nodded, because him and Taeyong had camaraderie. Jaehyun would be loyal to him even if someone would put him at gunpoint.

“Yeah. Sure. Let’s go.” Jaehyun smiled at Taeyong and the elder released a sigh of relief. Jaehyun only nodded before looking at the child on his side who was looking at him curiously, eyes watery from crying. “Hello, I’m Jaehyun. Let’s play together okay?”

“See? I told you he’s cool.” Taeyong said to the child who only gave Jaehyun a shy and wobbly smile, smugness dripping from his voice. Jaehyun flushed a little because of the thought that Taeyong boasts about him to his other friends.

“H-hello. My name is R-Renjun.” Renjun bowed and blushed a little.

Jaehyun’s smile widened, endeared. He offered his hand for a hand shake but Renjun only shrunk back behind his bestfriend, holding Taeyong’s hand tighter with both of his. He opted to ruffle the kid’s hair instead.

From then on, it became Taeyong-Jaehyun-Renjun instead of the original Taeyong and Jaehyun. They were inseparable and almost did everything together, from playing heroes to catching fireflies at dawn. Everything just happened naturally for them and Renjun fit perfectly and added more to their dynamics.

They were the three musketeers. The three little bears. The three mischievous monkeys. Taeyong was their leader, Jaehyun was the brains and Renjun was their tiny group’s cheerleader. It didn’t matter what they do, as long as they were together, they were happy.

“What do you guys want to be when you grow up?” Renjun mused a few years later. He was already fluent in Korean then, having lived in the country long enough now to get a good grasp of it. He had always been smarter for his own age. Jaehyun felt proud of him.

They were lying on the grass in Taeyong’s backyard, staring mindlessly at the vast blanket of night sky before them, the stars sparkled infinitely for their entertainment and the moon graciously lend its shine for them to use. They just got done with helping out clean the neighborhood as their local government project. It was exhausting so they found themselves lounging in Taeyong’s house until they decided to go out and lounge on the grass instead like how they used to do when they were much younger.

Taeyong sniggered on his side, before slightly getting up to look at Renjun on Jaehyun’s other side, “Why are you the one asking that?”

Renjun scoffed, “Just humor me.”

“I think I want to be someone who works in musical plays. It’d be really awesome.” Jaehyun hummed, frowning and lying with his hands behind his head as his pillow, deep in thought.

He felt Renjun’s stare at his side profile and Taeyong plopped back on the grass, finally thinking about his answer now that Jaehyun gave a serious one.

“That would really suit you.” Renjun simply just said, awe in his voice, soft and serene.

Jaehyun slowly turned to him and he saw Renjun’s eyes widened in surprise because of the sudden realization of their proximity, his lips parting and almost jumping back. Then, Renjun looked away but not without his ears flushing red. Jaehyun had thought in the past that it’s cute how Renjun always got jumpy and shy when someone comes close to him. The thought still stayed true up to now.

“Thanks, Injunnie.” he murmured.

Renjun coughed on his cardigan covered arm, “Yeah. Well, it’s because you’re really great at singing and acting so you’ll fit right in, I think. Your dancing isn’t that bad, too.”

“He’s right.” Taeyong agreed and Jaehyun turned his gaze back to the stars. “I’m still better at dance but you definitely would excel in theater, Jaehyun.”

Jaehyun rolled his eyes at the snide comments, “Thanks, guys. What about you both? What do you guys want to do when you grow up?”

“I love dancing. And if my parents would allow me, I’d probably pursue that path.” Taeyong answered, playing with the grass. “How about you, Renjun? You started this, now, you answer.”

Renjun was silent for a while, then, “I don’t really know what I want to do yet.”

“That’s okay. You’re still young. You have so much ahead of you and so many things you still haven’t experienced yet that might factor in your final decision.” Taeyong nodded before reaching out blindly to pat Renjun’s stomach, comforting and familiar.

Jaehyun felt the heat of Taeyong’s arm on his stomach too while he was doing that to Renjun considering he was in the middle of them both, and he gulped, his stomach reflexively caving in. It felt like there were fluttering feathers inside of him. He looked at Taeyong and caught his gaze. There was something in those chocolate orbs that Jaehyun couldn’t figure out.

“Yeah. You’re right. I’m still young unlike you.” Renjun teased and the moment between him and Taeyong was broken. The eldest sat up and threw grass on Renjun who only giggled.

“Yah. I should have just fed you to those bullies a long time ago if this is what I get from you everyday.”

“Awww, Taeyongie. You love me.” Renjun cooed with his forced cuteness and Jaehyun couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped from him.

“Points were made.” Jaehyun forced out between his chuckles.

“Wow. I can’t believe you two. I’m done with you both. Go suck a dick or something.” Taeyong pouted before standing up and brushing the dirt that clung onto his jeans and shirt.

“You’re such a party pooper!” Renjun called out on Taeyong who was already walking back to his house.

“Shut up, you ungrateful brat!” Taeyong yelled and laughter from Jaehyun and Renjun followed.

It wasn’t long after that when the eldest emerged from the back door again to call them for dinner which Renjun and Jaehyun gladly accepted. There was always enough space in their stomachs for Taeyong’s mother’s cooking.

They spent half of their adolescence like that, hanging out in each other’s houses after their classes, volunteering for the neighborhood clean drive and bantering with each other. It was good to have a great childhood in such a positive environment and Jaehyun was lucky enough he had experienced it. He was grateful to both Taeyong and Renjun for giving him precious memories that he could always turn back to with a smile.

However, just like all childhood stories, there would be a point in time where they had to grow up and do things on their own.

Theirs came in the form of Taeyong turning 17 and graduating highschool with flying colors and splashing rainbows. He had always been a good student and an active member of the school’s dance troupe so it didn’t really surprised them when the elder decided to leave town and enroll in one of the best performing arts program in one of the most prestigious university outside the country. He was scouted, in fact, and Taeyong’s mom cried so hard that day, more because she was going to miss her youngest son rather than him passing the entrance tests, both written and application.

It didn’t come as a surprise to them because they knew Taeyong was always meant to be doing something far more bigger than their small town could offer him, but to Jaehyun, the feeling of desolation was a tidal wave that hit his shore and swallowed it whole. He was happy for his best friend, his closest friend, his longest friend.

But.

That day, whenever he thought about Taeyong’s departure, there was always a ‘but’ somewhere in the ends of his sentences that he was too wary of to delve in further. Too close to home yet, too close for comfort.

Jaehyun was breathing hard as he willed his legs to pedal faster, driving his bicycle on his way to Taeyong’s house. He was 15 at that time, limbs too gangly, too long and unfamiliarly uncoordinated because of the spurt in his growth that happened within just less than three months. His heart was racing inside his rib cage, he would say it was from the sudden exertion of his muscles, but he knew deep inside it wasn’t because of that. No, not completely, at least.

Mind feeling like a jumbled mess and breath coming short, Jaehyun carelessly got off his bike and pushed it aside on the lawn, rushing to the side of the house and not even sparing a thought to knock on the front door. He knew Taeyong wouldn’t be inside. The view of the backyard was still the same after all these years. The grass were trimmed and auntie’s flowers bloomed beautifully under the afternoon sun. It was nostalgic in a sense that he’ll probably never see it up close often, now that Taeyong was leaving. He had no more reasons to go to this resident everyday.

His reason was going away.

He stopped shortly for a moment when he saw the scene before him. Taeyong was hugging Renjun; the latter clinging onto the eldest like his life depended on it, head buried on Taeyong’s chest. Jaehyun deeply inhaled before sauntering forward to the two people closest to his heart.

Taeyong noticed him first. Taeyong always noticed. His head slowly snapped to his direction, eyes focusing on his and holding them for a moment. It was one of those one second eternity, time passing by so slowly it felt like Jaehyun’s senses were hyper aware of every single thing that was happening in that instant.

For a second, he saw sadness. He saw gratefulness. Then, he just saw Taeyong, standing under the salmon hue created by the reflection of the sun and the sky of the dusk. He looked serene, he looked soft. He looked like the most beautiful person Jaehyun had ever seen in his life and it hurt. It hurt his fingers. It numbed his body. It petrified his mind.

Because it was then that he realized Jaehyun was hopelessly and unconditionally in love with Taeyong Lee.

“Jaehyun,” Taeyong slipped out his name from his lips, so reverently. His name being spoken in Taeyong’s voice sounded like a thousand fireflies screaming at him. It sounded like a siren lulling him to sleep and it sounded like a whole new reason for Jaehyun to fall inlove all over again. His breath got caught in his throat and all he could do at that moment was to mindlessly keep walking to him like a moth to a candle fire. So he did.

Renjun extricated himself from Taeyong’s embrace, finally acknowledging Jaehyun’s presence, face forlorn and eyes misty. The youngest of the three stepped aside for Jaehyun to get his moment with the eldest. Jaehyun stopped when he was only a hand’s width away, but not reaching out. Just waiting for Taeyong to do it. Still stunned at his sudden epiphany not too long ago.

“I guess it’s your turn now, J. I’m just going to go inside and help Auntie make dinner.” Renjun gave a wobbly smile at them both and pat Jaehyun in the back before leaving them to their own so they could have some semblance of privacy. He had always been considerate like that. They raised him well.

Taeyong smiled at him, small and bashful once Renjun shut the backdoor closed, “Hey, I’m glad you could come.”

“Of course, I would.”

Jaehyun released the breath he didn’t know he was holding. Taeyong was still Taeyong and even though Jaehyun loved him, it didn’t stopped him from feeling upset about the sudden notice of his departure.

“Why didn’t you tell us you’re already leaving tomorrow?” Jaehyun frowned, voice accusing. The eldest of the three’s eyes widened in shocked, then they softened in understanding.

“Honestly? I didn’t think I could leave if I told you guys earlier.”

“Taeyong, you’re our bestfriend. We are not going to stop you from leaving. We’re here to support you and give you encouraging words. Shit like that are what we are supposed to do. And we will. I just wished you’d tell us sooner so we could have prepared ourselves better.” Jaehyun couldn’t hide the hurt in his voice. And honestly, he really didn’t care. He had always been the type to voice out his concerns and thoughts. He couldn’t count how many times Taeyong and him fought because of that. They always make up though, not letting a day pass without a reconciliation.

“I’m sorry, Jae. But I really couldn’t. I wish I had told you sooner but I just can’t. I know I would have second thoughts about my decisions if I told you.” Taeyong looked down on his feet, hand coming up to his mouth to bite his already bitten nails. He never grew out of that habit.

Sighing, Jaehyun automatically reached out to gently pull Taeyong’s hand away from his lips causing the slightly smaller male to look up at him with an intense look in his eyes. The fright and uncertainty swirled in Taeyong’s irises, worry on his lips. And Jaehyun’s heart gave in. He had always been weak for when Taeyong would show his vulnerable side. It was like Taeyong would only open up to him and depend on him when he’s feeling incapable, powerless.

“I’m sorry for snapping at you. It doesn’t matter anymore. It’s okay.” he murmured, making circles on the inside of Taeyong’s wrist that was still in his clutch. He hoped Taeyong knew that what he said wasn’t just an answer to their conversation. It was a comfort to what he was feeling right now. It was reassurance that whatever he wanted to do, he would still be here to support him, be his dependable shoulder to rest on. Visibly, it calmed Taeyong, the solid tension in his shoulders deflated, his body swaying slightly forward to Jaehyun’s. “I just wish you’d told us sooner. We could’ve done so many things before you left.”

“Okay. I’m sorry.” And then, after a beat, “It’s okay.”  Taeyong echoed his words, more to himself than to Jaehyun.

For the life of him, Jaehyun couldn’t help himself anymore. So he pulled Taeyong’s lithe frame closer and enveloped him in an embrace too intimate compared to their previous ones. He wrapped his arms tighter on his waist, not sure if he could bring himself to let go of the elder. His face was buried on the side of Taeyong’s hair, inhaling his sweet apple scent, engraving it to his mind. Jaehyun heard Taeyong gasped but he was honestly too exhausted from the onslaught of feelings that was taking over him to worry about what this might look like to others and to Taeyong.

Eventually, Taeyong wrapped his arms around Jaehyun’s neck and pulled him closer if that was even possible. They stayed like that for a few seconds, or minutes or maybe even an hour. Jaehyun didn’t keep count for he was too invested counting the things he would miss once Taeyong leaves, and memorizing them in his mind, keeping them locked and safe.

“It’s going to be okay.” he whispered once more on Taeyong’s temple, like if he could get closer enough and say the words on his skin, it would rid Taeyong of all the worries that plagued his mind.

He didn’t confess. No. He didn’t have the heart to add something profound like that on Taeyong’s already full plate. He had always wanted to dance his entire life. It was Taeyong’s passion, his dream, his love. Dancing was the only thing that Taeyong was selfish about. He couldn’t do that knowing how stressful leaving the country alone might be. It might jeopardize everything he had worked hard for. Because if Jaehyun did confess, he knew it would just make Taeyong worry about having to reject his feelings without hurting him. Taeyong’s too kind for his own good. 

Most of the people said that he had always been too mature for his own age. Sometimes, Jaehyun despised the idea because he wanted people to coddle him more and treat him like the young teen that he really was just like others in his age. But he grew up too fast and too soon, acquired more knowledge because he’s naturally curious, and perceived the world in a much broader and grown up way.

It hurt. But he knew it was for Taeyong’s own good. So, with the pretense of being  a responsible friend, Jaehyun was 15 when he gave way to rationality and let the love of his life go.

The first few months were difficult for him.

The emptiness that filled Jaehyun was like a body of water in an overflowing dam. He didn’t know what to do because everything he did before, he did it with Taeyong. It was like he lost a limb, he’s still fully functional, but there was still something missing. Something that would make everything easier. Something that would complete him. Something Taeyong could only fill the void of.

If the people around him noticed, they have the decency to not say anything. He was glad for it, he didn’t know what his response would be if ever they ask. 

It wasn’t like they didn’t call each other a lot. They did. But being on opposite ends of the world, it was both hell for them to find the time to even do so. Not with Taeyong studying and rehearsing at the same time. Not with Taeyong working shifts at the local dance studio near his dorm. Not with Jaehyun’s upcoming exams and filing university applications. Not with Jaehyun’s father falling sick and his mother trying her best to make their ends meet leaving him to his own devices.

Life just happened to them both like it did to a lot more others and soon, Jaehyun considered himself lucky enough if he got a message from Taeyong once a week.

The incessant knocking on his bedroom door startled Jaehyun out of the words from his Introduction to Physics book swirling on the page that he had been reading now for almost half an hour. He frowned when he noticed that the clock on his wall said he had been studying for nearly three hours now. It’s probably why he was having a hard time processing anything in the past hour. He brought a hand up and massaged the bridge of his nose.

“J, it’s me. I’m coming in whether you like it or not.” Renjun announced from the other side of his door. “God, I hope you’re not naked or anything.” he added under his breath but still opened the door.

Jaehyun swivelled his turning chair and smirked at Renjun who stopped at his door to take in the state of his room. It wasn’t a mess but it’s still messier than usual. He felt lethargic all of a sudden. Probably the effect of being pulled out of his study mode, “Are you disappointed I’m only on my pajamas?”

Renjun huffed and chucked a paper bag at him that he didn’t notice the other had been carrying. Jaehyun’s exhausted brain couldn’t dodge it in time, so it hit him right in the face which he caught a second later albeit clumsily.

This kid had always been violent, Jaehyun groaned and clucked his tongue. He checked the inside of the paper bag. Huh, burger and fries. And still warm at that. Jaehyun felt his stomach grumbled in happiness.

“I’m disappointed I had to miss my show because Auntie called me and said you haven't eaten yet, you fucker. I had to go out and buy you food so I wouldn’t have to go through the secondhand embarrassment of losing a friend because he forgot to eat.”

Jaehyun smiled gratefully at Renjun who went straight to plop down on his bed, “You’re so sweet.”

Renjun waved his hand in the air, “Yeah, yeah, I know. Go eat before it cools. And for the love of all that’s holy, please stop studying for a moment and take a bath. You stink.”

“I showered last night before bed, though.” he said indignantly but it fell on deaf ears. He figured it wouldn’t hurt him to take a break, so Jaehyun didn’t have to be told twice before he unwrapped the food and started gobbling it down. Leaning in on his study chair, he eyed Renjun who was frowning and fiddling with his phone, completely ignoring him now, “You know, if it weren’t for your crassness, I’d actually think you’re worried about me.”

“I’m not worried about you. I’m worried about Auntie. And what people would think if they smell you and knew that you’re my friend.”

“Sure.” Jaehyun glided his chair near his bed and held out a hand holding a couple of fries to Renjun’s lips, which the latter automatically craned his neck for and accepted easily. “So, how’s school?”

Renjun looked at him incredulously as his head flopped back on the bed,  hair falling into a halo around him making him look so out of place on Jaehyun’s unmade bed, “Dude, I’m a highschool freshman at your school, now. What are you talking about?”

“Stop being a little shit and humor me, for once.” Jaehyun scoffed and lightly nudged Renjun’s thigh with his foot. Renjun put down his phone on top of his chest and hummed contemplatively before opening his mouth, expectant. Rolling his eyes, he popped two fries in his friend’s mouth which Renjun happily chewed on.

“It’s good.” Renjun said after swallowing the food down.

“Really, that’s all you’re gonna say? Wow, how exciting.” Jaehyun said monotonously, finishing up the last bite of his burger with a satisfied moan. He’ll miss this once he leave for university.

“Let me finish, dumbass.” Renjun snapped and sat up. He crawled back, settling in the middle of the bed and crossed his legs, getting comfortable, “I mean, it’s fine. I’m not being bullied or anything. And we live in a small town so most of my classmates are the same ones from my middle school anyway. We’re still the same people, just with different schools and harder classes.” he shrugged and snatched the bag of fries from Jaehyun’s hands. He let out an indignant squawk but still let Renjun eat it. The kid really loved fries.

“Well, I guess that’s the best outcome.”

“Yeah. By the way, what are you studying for anyway? It’s not like you didnt know you’re going to graduate with top honors. And you already got your acceptance letter in the university you wanted to enter.”

“I still have the last quarter tests. I can’t flunk that.”

Renjun let out a snort, “Isn’t the last quarter tests just for formality’s sake?”

“Still.”

“You just want to have your pristine grades. I get it.”

“It’s not wrong to want that.” Jaehyun stood up and stretched his body, shirt lifting and showing a little skin on his navel. Renjun busied himself with ransacking the paper bag for the last fries, pouting when he realized there’s no more left for him to munch on.

“What?” Renjun snapped his head to stare at him questioningly.

“Pristine grades. It’s not wrong to want it. Just say you’re lazy at studying and go.”

Renjun glared at him, “I’m not lazy. My mind is just artistic.”

Jaehyun nodded, took the empty paper bag from Renjun’s hands and threw it in the bin beside his door. Quickly, he went downstairs to get two bottles of water for both of them. It’s not like Renjun didn’t get good grades. It was just hard to concentrate on one thing during that age, Jaehyun guessed. And he was right about one thing, Renjun’s artistic flair was something he should totally focus on. The kid had a knack for colors and drawing ever since he was young and time only made him flourish in his craft even more. Jaehyun had a feeling that Renjun could pursue a career in fine arts if he wanted to.

He ran up the stairs just as fast as he went down and found Renjun on his phone again, reading something. Wordlessly, he offered the other bottle to Renjun and the other one accepted it without a word.

“You know, you can be artistic and have good academic performance, right?” Jaehyun spoke after drinking.

“Piss off, Jaehyun.”

Jaehyun let a triumphant laugh, knew that he had won their banter. He had always enjoyed talking and bickering with Renjun. It was something the kid had mastered through the years. The sharp tongue of his was a result of years of spending time hanging out with Taeyong and him. Though, Jaehyun was afraid his snarky comments and insults were going to surpass his if he keeps improving. The kid always challenged him and Taeyong. Jaehyun only shook his head in fondness.

Sighing, Jaehyun felt exhaustion seeped through his fingers and onto his bloodstream again. With limbs heavy, he crawled on his bed and lied down but not without taking Renjun with him who went down with a yelp.

“Jaehyun, what the hell?” Renjun tried to get free from Jaehyun’s grip but he only wrapped his limbs on him tighter, arm on his waist and leg thrown on his thighs until Renjun sighed in defeat, falling limp in his arms after a minute of struggle. Renjun mumbled, “What do you want?”

Jaehyun nuzzled his nose on Renjun’s hair and closed his eyes, inhaling the scent of mint and strawberry, the scent of comfort, the scent of Renjun, “Nothing. I just want to rest for a while.”

“Can’t you do that without suffocating me?”

“No. You’re warm and soft. You’re like a tofu.” he mumbled.

Renjun whipped his head to his direction, sounded somewhat between offended and amused when he said, “A tofu? Really, J?”

Cracking one eye open, Jaehyun stared at the face of his friend, so close to his that if he would, he could totally make their noses touch with just one nudge. “Yes, a tofu. Now,  _ my tofu _ , I hope you don’t move and open your mouth for a while so I can take a nap.”

“You’re being ridiculous, right now, J. Just take a goddamn pillow and hug it instead of locking me up here to be your human pillow.”

“And you’re still talking. I like you better when you’re on mute.”

“I’m sorry you got me instead of a puppet.” Renjun flicked him on the forehead and Jaehyun whined.

“Stop talking, Renjun. I want to sleep. Please.” Jaehyun closed his eyes in frustration and buried his face on Renjun’s neck to protect his forehead from further assault, all the while hugging his waist closer to his body, stealing his warmth.

Renjun huffed and finally scooted closer, turning his body on his side so he could accomodate Jaehyun’s bigger physique better. Bringing a hand up to card his fingers through Jaehyun’s hair, he let him snuggle on his smaller frame. He murmured, “Fine. This is a one time event and only because you look like you actually need it this time.”

“Thank you, tofu.”

“You’re the tofu here. You look and smell like one.”

Jaehyun looked up and pouted at Renjun, “Do I really stink?”

Renjun only chuckled and pushed his head back where it rested before in his embrace, “No. I was just kidding. Go to sleep, Jaehyun. I’ll wake you up after an hour.”

“Okay.” Jaehyun whispered, the rhythmic sensation of Renjun’s fingers on his hair and the even thump of his heartbeat lulled him to sleep.

Jaehyun loved Taeyong with every fiber of his being. Most of the time it was very difficult for him to wait for the other man. To wait for the right time when he could finally confess his feelings. He tire himself out so he wouldn’t have to think about it. So he could forget. Renjun probably knew that he was overworking himself to the point of exhaustion for something but he didn’t know it was for someone. And in his own Renjun way, Jaehyun knew that his friend was supporting him in anyway he could without meddling.

Renjun’s presence in his life made the wait bearable for him. He provided Jaehyun a sense of security and stability, a shoulder to lean on when he needed it the most. Sometimes, it was embarrassing for him to seek the comfort of his company when he was much younger than Jaehyun. It should be the other way around. He knew that but Renjun gave it to him willingly so and unconditionally. It felt like the younger one knew Jaehyun wouldn’t ask so he’d go out of his way to meet him on his end instead. Renjun was thoughtful like that even if his words say otherwise. 

Sometimes, Jaehyun wished he had fallen in love with Renjun instead. Would everything have been easier?

The selfish part of Jaehyun knew he wouldn’t survive being away from Taeyong without Renjun and he wanted so badly to keep him here beside him until he could finally stand on his own. The other boy might be clueless about it, but Renjun became someone that Jaehyun needed. He didn’t want Renjun to let go of him because if he did, Jaehyun would be a total wreck, a glass shattered into tiny pieces. He was afraid to be alone.

He knew it was cruel, but he wished to keep Renjun until he couldn’t anymore.

Days rolled into weeks and weeks turned into months and soon, Jaehyun was already leaving for university. It wasn’t as dramatic as Taeyong’s departure. They all knew he was leaving. They all knew when. They all cried but not as hard as they did with Taeyong because he wasn’t leaving the country to study abroad; he was just leaving town to study in the city. He could actually visit his parents whenever he wished to. Bus fare wasn’t as expensive as air fare, after all.

Renjun promised to visit him someday and demanded for Jaehyun to tour him around the city once he does. Jaehyun only ruffled his hair and agreed but with the condition that Renjun would stay the entire weekend with him to quench his thirst for home.

“Okay. Close your eyes.” Jaehyun requested to Renjun one day when he went home for spring break in his junior year of university. Renjun shot him an incredulous look as he halted his steps towards Jaehyun’s bedroom.

It was the first time they were hanging out again after Renjun visited him in the city on the start of the semester. Like all the times he’s went to Jaehyun’s apartment, they hung out and watched random movies like the old times. That or they go out to eat at their favorite Chinese place. To say that the younger man became his source of relaxation and energy pill throughout his university life was an understatement.

“What’s this? What are you, a high schooler?” Renjun tried to look affronted but the fondness in the crinkle of his eyes betrayed him.

Jaehyun rolled his eyes, “Please, just do it.”

Renjun narrowed his eyes at him before closing them and sighing out, “Fine. But this better not be disgusting or creepy or I’m disowning you.”

“I’m older than you, though.”

“Semantics.”

Jaehyun scoffed but gently placed his hands above Renjun’s closed eyes from the back, careful not to startle the man.

“Is this alright?” Jaehyun had to ask in a murmur when he felt Renjun tensed at their close proximity. Without a word, the man only nodded, his lips parting slightly when a breath slipped out. “Okay.”

They walked inside, body heat mixing with one another in their positions. Jaehyun’s suddenly nervous, maybe he should have thought about this twice before going with his plan. There was nothing special about his gift anyway, he just wanted to properly surprise and show his gratitude to Renjun who had always been there for him when he needed someone to talk to. Not to mention that Renjun’s also turning 18 in under a month and Jaehyun, unfortunately, won’t be here at that time, so he figured that giving his gift earlier would do.

Shortly, they stopped in front of Jaehyun’s bed where the present was neatly wrapped and perched. Jaehyun dropped his hands and stepped away from Renjun. “You can open them now.”

“What’s this?” Renjun breathed once his eyes landed curiously on the boxed gift in front of him.

“See for yourself.”

With that, the lithe man gingerly picked up the box and spared Jaehyun a narrowed look which he just responded to with a grin. His nervousness skyrocketed at that moment, heart thudding in his chest in anticipation as he watched Renjun rip the wrapper away without hesitation. 

“Oh my God, J. Is this what I think it is?” Renjun said disbelievingly, face void of any emotions.

Jaehyun blinked and fiddled with his fingers, “Yes? I mean, you’ve been raving about it to me for weeks now so I thought I’d give it to you as an advance birthday prese-  _ oof _ !” His words were cut off when Renjun jumped in his arms to enveloped him in a crushing hug, knocking them both off to the bed with a soft thud.

“Thank you so much, Jaehyun! Thank you!” Renjun squealed in elation.

“Ow! Get off me, kiddo. ‘Can’t breathe here. They’re just paint brushes so no need to thank me that much.”

Renjun’s eyes widened and in an instant he’s off of Jaehyun and plopping on the other side of the bed with a manic smile, “Sorry. Sorry. But I can’t believe you’d get me a set of  _ Da Vinci  _ paint brushes. J, these are expensive. Where did you even get the money from?” he dramatically gasped for theatrics, “Please, don’t tell me you asked Auntie for it.”

Jaehyun scoffed, “Hey! What did you take me for? Of course, I bought it with my pay from my part time job in the book shop. You know what? I have half the mind to take it back, you ungrateful brat.”

Affronted, Renjun hugged the set of brushes closer to his chest, “No take backs! They’re mine now. They have my scent and all.” Renjun turned to the unopened box of brushes and carressed them lovingly, “They’re my babies, now.”

Jaehyun groaned, “Art freak.” Renjun only stuck his tongue out like a kid at him for the snide and Jaehyun couldn’t help the fond snort that came out of him. He shook his head. Seeing Renjun blissful like this with just a simple gesture, Jaehyun felt accomplished.

“Whatever.”

His thanks came a little bit later, when the sun was already setting and painting the night sky with saccharine hues of salmon and sunflower.

“You didn’t have to but thank you for remembering, Jaehyun.” Renjun spoke softly once they were settled down in Jaehyun’s bed, bodies snuggled to one another, back on the headboard and laptop in the middle as they watch an episode of  _ American Gods _ . Jaehyun turned to him slightly, careful not to jostle Renjun’s head on his shoulder. The light from his laptop shone on Renjun’s serene face, scenes reflecting on his eyes as they unfold before them.

“Of course, I’d remember.” Jaehyun placed a familiar brush of lips on the crown of Renjun’s head and turned back to watching the show. His friend snuggled closer at that and he welcomed it with comfort.

Jaehyun didn’t know what factors compelled him to speak his next words, but the palpable silence that followed was alarming enough for his hiding heart.

“I miss him.” he said, words just spoken above whisper level. Renjun’s body stopped breathing beside him, he knew this for his breathing was in sync with the boy and their bodies were close together, huddled at the headboard of his old bed. Jaehyun was tensed, heart thudding like horse’s hooves in his chest in a hurry to break free. It was his first time mentioning something close to his real feelings to Renjun, always opting to not talk about or mentioning Taeyong with the younger at all which Jaehyun was glad for that he respected.

It was awkward at best and Jaehyun was scared of what the other might say, however, Renjun was one of his best friends and that thought alone immediately vanquished all of his worries.

“Taeyong?” the other questioned after a moment. It was rhetorical, Jaehyun knew that Renjun know exactly who he was talking about. There was only one person he could be referring to but Jaehyun nodded nonetheless.

Renjun hummed and interlocked their fingers, eyes still focused on the show playing on the laptop screen but mind somewhere else. “Me too.” he paused, then Jaehyun felt the other’s grip tighten on his. “I wish he was here.” he breathed. 

“What do you think he’s doing?”

Jaehyun let a small smile form on his lips as he let this single moment of vulnerability creaked open the gates to the locked part of his heart a little, “Knowing him, he’s probably practicing a dance routine. Or studying. I don’t really know. You know he hates sitting still and doing nothing.”

“Yeah- Wait. You don’t know?”

“We don’t really talk much, anymore.”

“It’s the same with me.”

“He’s probably busy.” Jaehyun didn’t know if he was consoling Renjun or himself but he tried to hide the disappointment he was feeling inside.

“Probably.” Renjun agreed plaintively and they fell into a comfortable stillness after that, prefering to just refocus on the show which they rewinded, having missed the last scenes in favor of talking about Taeyong.

At the back of his mind, Jaehyun knew that somehow the floodgates wouldn’t stay close after that night, for there was a foreboding gloom that hovered like a grey cloud following him everywhere, haunting him from its dark corner making it feel like he was standing on the edge of a cliff.

Like most things, it came unexpectedly, like a plane crashing and hitting your house out of all the houses in the neighborhood. Or like a glass breaking at the mere touch. To him, it’s much worse, for it came in the form of Renjun Huang giving him an unannounced visit to his studio type apartment. He was in his third year of university then, Renjun on his senior year of highschool.

“Renjun?”

“Can I come in?” Renjun greeted him in a small voice when he opened the door, eyes pleading and lip trapped between his teeth. Bewildered, Jaehyun nodded and hurriedly ushered him inside since the night was getting colder for winter was fast approaching.

“What made you come here? You didn’t say you were coming so I didn’t clean up. Sorry for the mess.” Jaehyun sheepishly grinned at Renjun who was standing in the middle of the room, picking up a stray shirt off the couch, balling it up only to throw it in the laundry basket near the bathroom door. He took the sight of him in, his hair was dishevelled and his clothes looked like they were put together in a distress. Renjun’s face was marred with a frown and a grim look. It didn’t suit him.

Renjun looked like a mess and luckily for both of them, it was one of those nights when Jaehyun didn’t have much school work to do.

“Jaehyun, I’m sorry if I suddenly barged in without notice. I-” Renjun started, then stopped his words when his voice cracked. Alarmed, Jaehyun dropped his grin and stepped forward to reach his friend’s shoulder.

“Hey, hey, what’s wrong, kid?” he said, fingers softly coaxing Renjun’s face so he could look up at him. When he did, Jaehyun’s breath was knocked away from him, he had never seen so much fear drowning the orbs of Renjun’s eyes until that moment. Worry bubbled inside his chest. “Maybe, we should sit down and talk, yeah?”

Renjun nodded and let himself be guided to the couch backed on the wall to sit. When they were settled, shoulder to shoulder, Jaehyun frowned when he noticed that Renjun’s hands have a slight tremble to them. He took one and encased it between both of his hands, trapping, grounding, warming them. Renjun visibly relaxes even if it was just a little.

“What’s wrong, Renjun? You’re scaring me.” He said carefully as if Renjun would run away if the words were spoken too loudly in his presence. His breathing was ragged and uneven and Jaehyun could tell that he was pumping himself up to say something to fill the wailing silence that was enveloping them. Silently, he watched as the other man part and pinched his lips closed, faltering at the last moments and seeming doubtful of his words. Jaehyun patiently drew soothing circles on the back of Renjun’s hand as he wait for the other to say something and it was moments later when he heard the other speak.

“I think- No. I’m sure I like boys, Jaehyun.” Renjun croaks in a quiet voice to the stillness in the room, eyes watering when they stare into Jaehyun’s surprised ones. Gripping Jaehyun’s hand, he whispered, “And I’m so scared.”

The dam broke and Renjun’s tears poured like crystals from his eyes, the fright simmering in his entire body and face so distraught, looking so torn apart by the revelation and already accepting his envisioned rejection. It was painful to see what Renjun had become to, hiding all his pains and worries away from Jaehyun who was supposed to be his best friend. Someone he could confide in about anything at all times.

Jaehyun gulped and gently pulled Renjun closer into an embrace, he carded his fingers through the younger man’s hair, reassuring. “Don’t be scared, Renjun. I’m here and I’ll always love you for who you are regardless of what you might think. It’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with liking boys, it’s normal. What’s important is that you accept yourself and are at peace with it, everything will follow.”

Renjun sank in his embrace further, stealing all his warmth and basking in his whispered words of support and encouragements as he sobbed his fears away.

“Thank you, Jaehyun.” Renjun croaked much later, voice hoarse and eyes bloodshot. His head was rested on his lap, lying horizontally as he faced Jaehyun’s stomach, breathing evenly as they lounged on the bed again but this time, there was no laptop playing a TV show as background noise, just them in the comfort and safety bubble of each other’s presence. They migrated there after the younger man’s break down, the emotional exhaustion wearing their minds thin.

Jaehyun hummed, languidly playing with Renjun’s hair as he watched the other’s eyes blink slowly, staring into nothingness.

“For what?”

“For being the best friend that I could ever have.”

“Don’t mention it. It’s nothing to be grateful for because it’s what true friends do, Renjun.”

Renjun closed his eyes and smiled, looking content and blissful. “Aren’t you going to ask me how I realized that I’m also into boys as I am with girls?”

“Okay, how?” Jaehyun asked placatingly, giving in to his friend’s whim.

“It’s because of him, Jaehyun.”

Jaehyun’s breath hitched and his fingers on Renjun’s hair faltered. “Him?” he squeaked.

“Yes, him. Taeyong.”

It felt like a hundred boulders hitting him in the chest all at once, his breath was knocked out of him and he suddenly couldn’t breathe. His throat was parched and his head pounded inside his skull. Jaehyun thought he’d rather take a punch in his gut than dance to this song of reality. It was a hard pill to swallow, being in this position where he’s torn between his Renjun and Taeyong, two different kinds of love but equally as intense and necessary to him like water to a fish. A predicament Jaehyun couldn’t have imagined happening to him in his life. It was a knife to his gut, slowly being twisted. However, he was brought back to reality when Renjun snuggled closer to him, burying his face on his stomach.

“I’m inlove with him all along, J. I didn’t realize that what I was feeling for him was different and I didn’t know when it started, but I am. I love him so much and I want to tell him when he gets back.” he whispered, words sluggish as Renjun finally started to slip into slumber.

It was a hard pill to swallow, but Jaehyun gulped it down with a force he didn’t knew he had, and croaked, “That’s good, Renjun. You should do that.”

He heard Renjun hummed as he continued to carding his fingers through his hair, massaging his scalp in a soothing manner and soon, the other one fell asleep on his lap. Jaehyun bit his lip as he looked up to the ceiling to stop the tears that was forming in his eyes and tried his hardest to calm his breathing.

Jaehyun couldn’t hurt Renjun. Not when he went out of his way to come out to him and present himself bare, stripped off of all his courageous facade and letting Jaehyun see his vulnerable side. If fate would bring him back to this moment in time, Jaehyun would still do it all over again, never changing anything.

For whatever happens will happen and in that moment, Jaehyun chose his friend’s happiness over his own again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This time, Renjun's the one who's holding the quill.

ooOoo

Genesis

 

He told him his name was Renjun Huang in broken Korean when he first met him.

The kid had a big smile on him, warm and welcoming as he take in Renjun’s tear-stained cheeks and snot-filled red nose that he tried really hard not to let drip by sniffing really loudly. Renjun didn’t remember most of that day for he was really young and his Korean was still on a level where he could mostly just understand basic everyday greetings and formality. He was also crying and scared of the other kids in the playground. They were making fun of him and calling him names he couldn’t quite understood but could infer were bad.

Later, he will learn that the kid’s name was Taeyong Lee. The first person to ever offer him kindness and friendship when his family first migrated to the foreign country.

The first person who will make his young heart feel like it has wings of its own, liberated and infinitely full of hope.

“You look ugly when you cry.”

Those were the first words the kid said to him. He understood even then, because his older cousins would tease him like that, but he knew deep down it was their way of telling him to stop crying.

Despite Renjun’s attempts at ignoring him so he would just leave him alone under the shed of the slides, the kid ducked down and sat in front of him, staring at him with wide eyes.

“What do you want? Please, go away.” Renjun sniffed.

“I don’t want to. I want to become your friend.”

Renjun blinked at the strange kid with dark orbs for eyes, “But aren’t you friends with Munseo?”

“Well, can’t I be friends with you?” the older kid offered him a boyish grin.

“Why?”

The kid scoffed, “Why do you have so many questions? Do people really need a reason to become friends?”

Renjun was horrified, at the implication that he was behaving rudely and not being friendly, and at the kid looking annoyed. He wanted to have friends to play with so bad but he’s scared that the kid would just end up hating him for not speaking Korean fluently or for being a brat.

He felt his lips quiver and a new onslaught of tears formed in his eyes. He sobs. At this point, he knew he’s never going to be friends with the kid anymore. No one likes crybabies, Renjun knew he was not usually one, but he was upset and frightened.

“Why are you crying again?” the kid sounded alarmed as he reached forward to wipe the tears flowing down on Renjun’s cheeks.

“B-because… because I want to be friends. But you probably hate Renjunnie, now.”

It was silent for a moment save for Renjun’s sniffling but the kid suddenly laughed, melodious and full of joy, “I don’t hate you. And I still want to be friends with you. Here,” gently, he grabbed one of Renjun’s hand and clasped it in his, “Let’s shake on it. I’m Taeyong Lee. What’s your name?”

Suddenly, a blanket of serenity wrapped over his young heart. Renjun felt saved.

Taeyong’s hand, as he remembered it, was as warm and safe like his encouraging smile. The kid was glowing under the afternoon shade, his raven hair was messy and long, fringe kept to the side to not disturb his sight and cheeks flushed from the summer heat. His eyes were huge like those of a doll’s, shimmering with mirth and mischief but somehow still anchored down by the intense sincerity that Renjun’s young mind could see in them.

Renjun vividly remembered how beautiful and gracious Taeyong was, even as a kid.

“I’m Renjun. Renjun Huang.”

At that, Taeyong’s smile widened, and gave his hand a proper shake, “Nice to meet you, Renjun. Let’s be friends, yeah?”

Sniffing, Renjun mustered up his determination to prove that he’s worthy of a friendship and nodded. The action brought joy to Taeyong, lighting his face up with fondness and pride. It made Renjun’s young heart swell with happiness, to know that he’s wanted, that there was someone who took on the mantle of carrying the promise of belonging besides his family.

As a child, he was grateful to Taeyong for a lot of things, but the one he has the most gratitude for towards the older was when he took Renjun under his wing- a helping hand to a new beginning. It was like his world started to turn again.

“Wear this.” Taeyong picked his hand up and passed him something small.

It was a chevron bracelet. The wool floss were knotted intricately making the different colors of each thread blend with each other perfectly. It looked well worn and kind of dirty, to his opinion. But little did he know then that he would keep the used bracelet so close to his heart even when he’s older, stored inside a small box in his cabinet, forever treasured.

“Why are you giving me your bracelet?” Renjun asked, open confusion present on his face.

“Because we’re friends now. It’s a proof! _A proof!_ I wanted to give you a friendship bracelet. I won’t ask for something in return if you like,” Taeyong shrugged his shoulders and crunched his nose when it looked like Renjun would protest. “Don’t worry! I have another one at home.”

“If you say so.” Renjun quickly tied the bracelet on his wrist, beaming at it when he’s finally done. It was light on his wrist, little to no weight at all and kind of too big on him, but he didn’t care. Instead, he turned to Taeyong and grinned at him. “Thank you, Taeyong.”

Taeyong mirrored his grin. “No problem, friend!”

 

 

The thing about falling in love was, Renjun thought, that you won’t realize it until you’re already in the middle of the fall from leaping off the edge of a cliff, you’re suspended in the air, with no idea why you’re there and for a moment, the fall will be thrilling, adventurous and exciting. It was a sensation like no other high could give you, an experience only a blue moon could provide.

Falling in love was joyous to a fault; that was until you caught sight of the ground from miles away, hard plain of unforgiving and merciless rocks, there was no one to catch you and no parachute to save you from the fall. You could scream and lash out, but you would still hit the ground because you’re falling, and you’re going to keep falling because gravity was a factor too powerful for its own good.

 

 

Renjun falling for Taeyong was yet another version of this story. For Taeyong was there on the ground when Renjun was falling, he just couldn’t see if his hands were laid open for him or just on his sides, unmoving. Seeing someone watching you fall was far worse than seeing no one at all- a realization Renjun wished had struck him sooner.

Indeed, falling in love with Taeyong was like skydiving in a trance and without a chute. He didn’t know when he jumped off, so he focused on the reasons why. Taeyong was beautiful, that’s a fact that no one could ever counter. But to Renjun, Taeyong was incomparable and unrivaled. Taeyong was most beautiful when he’s doing something he poured his love into. Moments when his eyes were full of hopes and dreams, or when they sparkle in bliss when a delicious sweet touched the palate of his tongue, of when they crinkle to the sides because of something comedic; Renjun was but a willing prisoner of his own heart.

“Why is your wardrobe so full of red?” Renjun exclaimed once when he spotted the older one opening his closet to pick up something to wear for Jaehyun’s 13th birthday party.

Taeyong huffed, “It’s my color, Renjun. Red is me.”

“Says who?”

“Says me. Now, help me pick a shirt for Jaehyun’s party.”

“There is literally no other color besides red, Taeyong. Just pick any shirt so we can go. I’m blaming you if I don’t get to eat drumsticks and cake. Munseo and the others are there too and everyone knows they eat a lot.” Renjun sat up from Taeyong’s bed as he whined at the elder who’s back was on him.

Renjun was nine then, their group’s little feud with Munseo and the others were far long gone in the past and now they’re just a bunch of rowdy kids in the neighborhood.

“If you helped me, maybe I wouldn’t take this long to prepare.”

Renjun only rolled his eyes and groaned as he fell back on the bed.

“You look good in everything. Just pick whatever.” Renjun said, hand waving in the air as a nonchalant gesture. Then, he pursed his lips when a memory struck him, “Why don’t you pick the shirt you wore when we went out for ice cream that one time and it rained?”

“Ah! Perfect.” Taeyong turned to him and gave him a thumbs up, “I knew I could trust you.”

Blushing, Renjun was 10 when he first felt his heart skipped a beat for his 14-year-old friend.

 _Red is Taeyong_. Renjun repeated the words inside his mind as he waited for the other to dress himself up. It’s true, he realized. Then and now, Taeyong had always been red to Renjun. The color of passion, of intensity, and of love- they all led back to him. There was no other person in his life that could best personify the color red other than Taeyong.

Bright, gleaming, piercing red in the otherwise pristine white sheet pages of Renjun’s life.

 

 

Falling in love, for Renjun, inspired him to fall in love with art and painting.

Taeyong was the painting Renjun could never dare to paint for his reds were ever growing, ever splashing and ever ethereal- the painting that he wanted to have for himself. He was glimmering, he was blooming and he was radiating. Renjun thought that Taeyong was the painting that paints everyone that surrounds him.

 

 

“I might melt if you keep staring at me like that.” Taeyong sighed one day without looking up from the book he was reading.

“How can you be so beautiful? I want to be as beautiful as you when I grow up.” Renjun flipped on his stomach on Taeyong’s bed and put his chin on his hand, keeping his eyes trained on Taeyong whose head was propped on the headboard beside him. It was one of those afternoons after school where Jaehyun wasn’t hanging out with them due to the theater club activities.

Taeyong squawked at his statement, book forgotten and cheeks sporting a faint blush, “What the hell are you saying? Stop playing.”

Renjun shrugged and pursed his lips in wonder and awe, “I’m not playing, Yong. I’m being real here. It’s really amazing how oblivious you are sometimes. Haven’t you looked in the mirror? If I have a face like that, I’d probably be out every night.”

Spluttering, Taeyong looked at him, affronted, “I’m not that beautiful. You’re good looking yourself. You’re a pot calling the kettle black. Also- who even said that I’d allow you to go out every night?”

Renjun rolled his eyes and turned to his phone again, ignoring the sensation bubbling in his stomach for being called good looking, “Boo, you’re such a prude.”

“And you’re a brat.”

“See? This is why people only admire you from afar, man. You might be pretty but you’re too uptight. Loosen up, will you?”

“Stop spouting nonsense and acting like you date around. Aren’t you, like, 9 years old or something?”

“I’m 13, now. Excuse you.”

Taeyong only scoffed and shook his head disapprovingly at Renjun who only gave him a pout, then he stood up and left the room. When he got back, he was holding a tub of ube and cheese ice cream with two spoons sticking out of it like bunny ears.

“Ah, this is why you’re my favorite.” Renjun jumped off the bed and took the tub away from Taeyong’s hands, quickly digging on the uniquely flavored sweet.

“You only like me for food.” Taeyong said as he pulled out the other spoon and scooped a spoonful, humming when the decadence hit his tongue.

“Correct!” The thudding sounds of pillow hitting a body rang loud inside the room and Renjun’s repeated apologies along with fits of melodious giggles from both teens soon followed.

The afternoon passed by slowly like that, the gentle lulls of the fan and the breeze from the open window created a soft atmosphere for the two young teens. Renjun kept stealing admiring glances of Taeyong who went back to reading the book. Sometimes he would pout, sometimes he would frown and sometimes, he’d bring a thumb up to his lips and bite on his nails. Either way, Renjun silently watched him with fond and peculiar awe.

 

 

Renjun falling for Taeyong was like a disease- it ate him away, slowly, gradually, until it took over his entire being and Renjun was left with nothing but to willingly succumb to it and fall sick. It was torturous at best, but the part where you’re being extra taken cared of because of it made everything infinitely better. For there was a different care from everyone around you that only illness could evoke.

 

 

“Coming!” Renjun stifled another fit of coughs on the way to the front door, dragging the blanket wrapped around him like a slug. His head was pounding, and his chest hurt from too much coughing, his mouth felt dry so he couldn’t care less what he looked like.

He felt like death was on its way to him with the fever and the coughs and colds attacking his system all in one go. This was one of the worst he’s had in years and yet, he’s all alone in their house. He told his mother not to worry and just go to work because he didn’t want to be a burden to her.

When he opened the door, Taeyong barged inside without greeting, grocery bags on his hands.

“Hey, what are you doing here?”

“I’m going to be your nurse for the day.” Taeyong simply said. “Now, sit and watch TV or something. I’m going to prepare you a soup so you could eat properly and take your medicine.”

Blinking, Renjun closed the door and did as he was told absentmindedly. They didn’t say anything afterwards, with Taeyong working in the kitchen and Renjun lying on the couch, just letting the sound of the television wash over his lethargic mind and body. Nowadays, Taeyong had been busy with school so he didn’t have that much time to spare with him and Jaehyun, so it came as a surprise to him when the elder appeared on his doorstep that day.

A sense of welcoming comfort and happiness enveloped him, because even if Taeyong was busy, he would always be there for when Renjun needed him the most without being prompted. Suddenly, Renjun felt at peace knowing that he could rely on him. But at the same time, he felt the usual fluttery feeling in his stomach, the kind that spread warmth inside of him, so warm it felt like it would burst anytime.

He didn’t know when he fell asleep, but he was awakened by Taeyong gently shaking him by his shoulder, careful not to jostle him that hard.

“Renjun, hey love, wake up.” the older whispered, softly carding his fingers through the mess of Renjun’s hair.

“Hmm?” he slowly blinked his eyes open as consciousness start to redeem itself, head still pounding and his mind was groggier than before.

“Hey.” Taeyong simply smiled at him, the hand that was once on his hair was now thumbing his cheek like he had all the time in the world- like he used to do. Renjun leaned in on the touch, needy for the elder’s presence and attention.

“Hi.” Renjun simply said, still at the ends of his slumber and high fever as he moved to snuggle closer to Taeyong’s side, burying his face on his heat and inhaling his scent. The vibrations of the elder’s giggle seeped through him and he felt like he could do this all day. Taeyong smelled like home.

“Come and eat, Renjun. Then, after you drink the medicine, you can rest in your room.” Taeyong stood up but not without Renjun whining, so he placed a soft kiss on the crown of his head making him flustered. He sighed, then just let the older one guide him to the dining table. When Renjun was finally seated, Taeyong checked his phone, biting his lips he said,

“Sorry, Injun. I gotta go. I really just bounced from my friend’s house when your mom asked me to checked up on you. I have to finish a project with them due the next day.”

Renjun nodded, “Oh. I’m sorry to bother you. That’s okay. This is already too much.”

Taeyong sent him a boyish smile as he was putting his shoes on, “It’s nothing. Anytime, Ren.”

 

 

Falling in love with Taeyong was like floating in the open ocean. It was slow and gradual, calming, but beneath it all there was this deep blue of unknown and uncertainty. However, you won’t see it, because it’s hiding behind you, keeping you buoyed above to breathe the precious air.

When the time comes for when you finally turn around to confront it, you’re faced with water and water and even more water until you’re drowning. Far down the trenches of the ocean, with no source of air and light, Renjun was drowning in uncharted red that disguised itself as blue.

 

 

“Can’t you stay? Why do you have to leave? Can’t you just- I don’t know, enroll at the local university in the next town?”

Renjun felt numb all over, so he masked it with a whine as he tugged Taeyong’s hand. The older was leaving for university, and Renjun’s emotions were a mess, weighing on him like an ocean and not knowing exactly how to deal with it. They were standing in Taeyong's backyard, their favorite hangout place besides the older’s bedroom. It was the afternoon and the small garden was basked in the nostalgic blanket of the sunlight, coloring everything with shadow and sepia.

“Renjun, don’t be like that. You know I’ve always wanted this.” Taeyong’s eyes were apologetic, when they shouldn’t be. Renjun felt a pang of guilt hit him and he deflated with a sigh.

“I know. I’m sorry. I’m just being a brat.”

Taeyong snorted, “Yeah, you are. But you’re my favorite brat. No one can replace you.”

Renjun narrowed his eyes, “I don't think that’s a compliment I should take in a stride but I’m making an exception just for now.”

“Come and give me a hug, then.” Taeyong smiled and it made the sides of his eyes crinkle, the low sunlight hit his face making him shimmer and blossom. Renjun obeyed.

“Are you really leaving tomorrow?” Renjun whispered the words on Taeyong’s chest.

“Yeah.” Taeyong sighed and tightened his arms around his shoulders. “I’m sorry.”

Tutting, Renjun lifted his head slightly to show his frown, “Taeyong, don’t be. I want you to know that I support you even if you hiding it from us until the last minute was shitty. Jaehyun and I will support you. That, I’m sure of.”

“Thanks, Injun.”

Taeyong’s embrace was warm. It was cozy. And it felt like a place Renjun could belong to. Thinking about now, he didn’t realize then that the fluttery feeling in his stomach had a name, all he knew was that he felt comfort and distraught in it. It was a chaotic and new feeling that only Taeyong could give stability to, by either letting it slip from the gaps of his fingers or carefully holding it within his palm.

Renjun didn’t know then that the admiration he had for the older boy was different from what the others have. How could he put a new name on something that had always been there all along? It was confusing and the more he swim deeper in the thoughts of it, the more frightening everything got.

He was young and he was scared of the unknown then.

“I’m going to miss you.” Renjun said, burying his face deeper on Taeyong’s chest. He smelled as sweet as the flowers surrounding them in the garden.

“Me too.” Taeyong replied, voiced hushed like his. “Promise me you’ll take care of yourself, okay?”

“Okay. I will.”

A beat. Then, “Can you also promise me one other thing?” Taeyong asked cautiously, removing his arms from Renjun’s shoulders and holding his face gingerly so he’d look up to him.

Renjun blinked in confusion, curiosity aroused, “What is it, Yong?”

The older one’s face was devoid of emotion, but his eyes were uncertain yet hopeful, “Promise me you’ll look after Jaehyun. He might act like he’s tough and dependable but he’s not. Make sure he survives living without me by his side.”

“I promise.” Renjun nodded, not knowing what to do with the sudden excruciating pain inside of him and smiling through it.

 

 

Falling in love with Taeyong was like a shadow. Everything about it down to the littlest detail haunted Renjun like the plague, following him everywhere he goes without a word. Always there, ever present at his side, behind him, in front of him, under him. Getting rid of it was not even an option.

Because if it disappeared, then what will that make of Renjun?

 

 

The first time he met Mark was also the first time Renjun got stood up by Jaehyun.

It was summer then, but it was raining, hard downpour and cold wind left him a shivering mess under the shed of a lone bus stop outside the university. He told himself that it couldn’t be helped since Jaehyun was busy with school work, that it was okay. Also, he was just told that he got in the university of his dream, so nothing could really dampen his mood. That was what Renjun kept making himself think. But deep inside, he was disappointed over the fact that he couldn’t celebrate this moment with his best friend.

It had always been him and Jaehyun against the world after Taeyong left and somehow, it felt like he was set aside that day. He knew he shouldn’t be feeling that way over something so reasonable but he couldn’t help himself, Jaehyun had always prioritized him over anything else except…

 _… except Taeyong_.

“Hey, Renjun, what do you want to order?” Mark asked, stealing Renjun’s attention away from his own thoughts. They were seated inside a booth in an ice cream parlor that Mark suggested.

 _What was I thinking_ … Renjun mused inside his mind as he quickly buried the dark thoughts away and tried to pick an ice cream flavor from the many options written on the menu. There were a lot of really peculiar names on the menu and Renjun’s mind was confused. He turned to Mark after much contemplation.

“I’ll have whatever you’re having.” he grinned.

Mark was nice,Renjun could see what Jaehyun saw in him. The slightly older man was not funny, but he was fun to talk to and before Renjun knew it, he was really enjoying his company over this summer rain.

“Then, you’re in for a ride.” Mark threw a smug smile at him and stood up to order their ice cream.

Renjun snorted and shook his head. Sighing, he looked outside the window and watched the pitter patter of rain pelts on the glass as they cascaded down in a race. His mind was blank, and he was tired for some reason. Rainy days have always been his favorite- there was just this feeling of certain peace that he could only revel in during stormy nights.

“Ta-da!” announced Mark once he arrived back to their booth with their orders on a tray.

“What’s this?” Renjun peeked on the bowl of pale green mush.

“Avocado.”

“ _Avocado_?” he parroted, eyes wide and surprised.

“Yes. My favorite,” the other one was so eager, his eyes were sparkling and Renjun didn’t have it in him to refuse Mark’s peculiar ice cream of choice. “Taste it and you’ll see!”

“Okay, if you say so.” eyeing the bowl first then casting a glance to Mark who looked expectant, Renjun picked up a spoonful of the delicacy and ate.

It was delicious. The taste of the tropical fruit burst inside his mouth accompanied by the sweetness and frozen feeling.

“Wow, this is really good.”

“What did I say?” Mark said, grinning around a mouthful of ice cream. “And you even look like you didn’t want to eat it at first.”

“In my defense, it was a unique choice, okay? I’m used to knowing what I put inside my mouth.” Renjun’s eyes widened, “No! Don’t say it.”

Mark choked and sputtered, “I didn’t even- I wasn’t even going to say anything!”

“Well, you _were_ going to think about it.”

“No, I wasn’t.”

“Yes, you were.” he smiled smugly at the amusement written on Mark’s expression as he slowly shook his head.

This easy banter, Renjun was used to it. Somehow, it felt like he was back in his hometown again, much younger and lounging on Taeyong’s bed as they eat ice cream talking about whatever they could come up with at that time- the gossip around school and their town, the randomly thrown snides, the deep talks. He realized that he felt comfortable with Mark.

Renjun found Mark comfortable to be with even with just a day of knowing him. He felt at ease with his presence- a feeling that he only found in Taeyong and Jaehyun before. Call it fate or not, but it was like he was meant to meet Mark and become friends with him after that day.

 

The first time he met Jeno, Renjun was struck with how good looking the other boy was.

At first, he couldn’t believe that he was going to be rooming with someone that handsome but then again, Renjun had been with Taeyong and Jaehyun almost half of his life so he figured that it really didn’t matter. What’s important was the relationship he’s going to form with the other.

He wanted to be friends with him, being his roommate and all, but their schedules were conflicting, so it was hard to form a good connection with Jeno. Nevertheless, they made it work somehow.

“No, stay in bed and drink your medicine.”

“I’m perfectly fine, Jeno.” Renjun whined but felt his head throbbed for the nth time that day. He knew he was still sick, but he had lectures to go to and things to do other than be bedridden for the rest of the day. He already spent the entirety of yesterday at the hospital with an IV stuck on his arm, thank you very much. He couldn’t afford to lose anymore time over being… _sick_.

Jeno sighed and Renjun winced. “Don’t make me strap you in your bed or lock you in our room.”

He pouted, clearly knowing well that Jeno would if he could. “Fine. But I feel really fine now. Stop worrying over me, _Mom_.”

“Yeah, say that to me when you don’t look like you’re about to throw up any minute or fall down on your ass. Again. You really had me almost having a heart attack yesterday when I found you on the floor, you idiot.” Jeno snorted as he gathered his toiletries then slung a towel his shoulder. “Stay put. I’m just going to shower.”

“Yes, Mom.” Renjun rolled his eyes which he regret immediately. Headache was a bitch.

“Oh, by the way, someone kept calling you yesterday but I couldn’t answer it.” Jeno said as a goodbye before closing the door and leaving Renjun to his own devices.

Frowning, Renjun moved on his bed to pick up his phone on the bedside table.

 _4 missed calls from Jaehyun? I wonder what’s up_. He quickly clicked the call button and waited for a few rings before getting an answer.

“Thank God! I thought you were dead or something.” said Jaehyun on the other end of the phone call as soon as he picked up, worry evident on his tone even through the muffled channel.

“Why? What’s wrong, J?” he asked, wincing at the sudden throb on his temple.

“Mark said you were sick and in the hospital. I wanted to check up on you. Are you still in the hospital?”

“No. I’m at my dorm now. I got out yesterday evening too. Don’t worry too much.” Renjun sighed.

“Don’t worry too much? Are you kidding me? You were hospitalized and you didn’t even inform me. I had to learn it from Mark, Injun. What were you thinking?” Renjun could hear the frustration in Jaehyun’s voice and he could visualize the other sulking. It put a small smile on his face.

“I tried calling you, you know. But your phone was off and it went straight to the automated voice. So, I figured you were busy.” he said, trying to make his voice devoid of the sudden sadness that filled his insides and instead making it seem nonchalant.

“Renjun…” Jaehyun sighed, speechless and silence fell before them.

Renjun sniffed just to dissipate the tension. “It’s okay, J. I understand.” he said softly.

He knew he shouldn’t blame Jaehyun for his lack of time for him. He could perfectly understand that- they were both in university after all. But he’s human, and he’s bound to feel things that don’t make sense to others but made perfect sense to him. Renjun’s been trying to bury those unnecessary feelings of dejection and neglect for quite a while now because they’re unwelcomed, however, they’re still there, at the back of his eyes, threatening to show itself any moment.

“Are you okay now?”

Renjun bit his lip, “Yes.”

Jaehyun released a sigh of relief, “That’s good. I’m glad.” A pause. “I’m sorry I couldn’t do anything to help you.”

Snorting, Renjun shifted in his bed, “What can you even do? Taeyong and my roommate, Jeno, are much better nurses than you. You can’t even differentiate aspirin from loperamide.”

“Hey! That was one time. And we were kids. Christ. Let it go.”

Renjun’s laughter filled the room.

When Jeno came back to the room, Renjun was already done with his phone call with Jaehyun and he was close to dozing off. He felt Jeno come closer to his bed and soon, his blanket was being tucked higher to his chin, and a hand on his forehead was checking his temperature followed by a hum of approval.

After that, he fell asleep soundly with Jeno’s quiet bustle in their shared room.

Even for a short period of time, Renjun was already thankful for Jeno for a lot of things. But what he was most thankful for was when he fell sick and he took care of him like it was in his second nature to do so. Renjun felt safe with Jeno, a sense of security that put his mind in blind trust. It was scary at first, but he figured out sooner that Jeno was someone he could trust himself with completely without being taken advantage of.

 

The first time he met Jaemin was when he was waiting for Jaehyun to come out of the theater.

The athlete had such a beautiful smile on his face, so charming and carefree, like he was genuinely enjoying what he was doing which Renjun couldn’t have possibly thought to be enjoyable. He hated sports with a passion, but he respected it and its followers. After all, not everyone liked art so in the end, he really didn’t care about sports as long has he’s not the one playing. That day, Jaemin was positively beaming and floating in his element, and Renjun was momentarily so captivated by it that he ended up sketching the soccer player.

Jaemin had always been straightforward and vocal about what he wanted, traits which Renjun envied him for and could only wish he had in him. He was brave at best, and his ability to get fired up when faced with a challenge was one of his best quality. Compared to Jaemin, Renjun was lacking in a lot of aspects.

Jaemin was shining but Renjun was just a spark.

“Renjun,” Jaemin whined and prolonged the latter syllable of his name on one of the days that they met up to study at the library. “Why aren’t you wearing our bracelet?”

Renjun looked up from his photo copies of intro to statistics and was faced with Jaemin’s pout, “Oh. I forgot.”

Jaemin pouted even more and stomped his feet. “Ah, why? You forgot but you’re wearing your wristwatch? Liar.” the other said then stuck his tongue out.

Shaking his head, Renjun flicked Jaemin’s nose. “You’re not my boyfriend so I’m not required to wear it every day.”

“I could be if you weren’t such a prude!” Jaemin said muffled as he massages his nose.

Renjun snorted. “Don’t joke like that.” he said lightly to brush Jaemin off, but deep inside, he knew his friend was sort of saying the truth. It wasn’t the first time that the other had dropped something like this on him and it was definitely not going to be the last. He’s just… unsure of what he should feel about it that’s why he’s evading the topic like the plague as much as he could. Jaemin was too important to him and Renjun felt that he didn’t deserve a half assed answer. “Anyway, it’s not like I threw it away. I’m keeping it safe.”

“You better.” Jaemin grumbled.

Renjun grinned at the sulky Jaemin in front of him. He softly kicked his foot under the table. “Don’t be sad. It’s the thought that counts. As long as I remember it, it’s good right?”

“Still… you could’ve at least worn it when we see each other.” Jaemin gave him his best puppy eyes and Renjun couldn’t help but give in.

“Alright. I’ll do my best to wear it when I’m with you. Happy?”

“Very,” Jaemin’s blinding smile at the reassurance was immediate. “Wanna get lunch?”

“Sure.”

 

The first time he met Donghyuck was on the second day of his classes.

Donghyuck was everything Renjun hoped he could ever be. He was fearless, confident and focused. He knew what he wanted, and he had no qualms about his dreams because he knew he was going to achieve them one by one, one way or the other. The way he sees things, Renjun was in awe by it. He was a great person and a great artist who somehow inspired him to reflect upon himself.

“Why red? If you don’t mind me asking.” Donghyuck asked him one day when they were out in one of the picnic table scattered around their university. It wasn’t sunny that day, the wind was a little bit fresh with a bite of ice  but they could still handle it.

“Hmm?” Renjun said, a little distracted by the cupcake he was currently munching on.

Donghyuck bashfully scratched the side of his neck, “I kinda saw your piece. I’m sorry if you didn’t want me to.”

“Oh.” he breathed. Right. That.

Renjun really did not intended on using red on his art work but his mind was filled with Taeyong. And how red was his color. And how Jaehyun loved red because of it. Somehow, deep inside him, there was a nagging little voice that kept saying that he wanted to be red too. Renjun felt like he wasn’t red enough. Like he needed more. Something. Anything.

There was this flagrant need in his gut of wanting to belong, of wanting to color himself red like the two and that translated to his art. Because Taeyong and Jaehyun were red, and Renjun wanted it for himself too. He didn’t acknowledge it then but somehow, instead of red, green vines slowly enveloped his heart like snakes. It didn’t sit well with him, but he couldn’t do anything. He didn’t know what to do with that feeling. It bothered him a lot, worry sitting hauntingly at the back of his mind.

Renjun slightly shook his head, “It’s okay. I used red because… it reminds me of someone very dear to me. Well, it doesn’t matter, anyway. They won’t see it.”

“Why not? It’s really… your painting is really overwhelming but in this good intense way.”

“I just didn’t want to show them. They’ll probably hate it.”

Donghyuck frowned, “Well, you wouldn’t know that unless you let them see it, would you?”

“I guess.” he said instead. He had already decided that he didn’t want to show his art but Donghyuck didn’t know that- he didn’t want his friend to know because then, it would be like admitting to himself that he was a coward. “Cupcakes?” he said instead, feigning a smile like a calm before a storm.

Art could be interpreted in many different ways depending on how people view things as everyone was raised uniquely. But somehow, Renjun knew that Donghyuck could see the same reds he was seeing when he looks at his art piece.

Despair, confusion, passion and suffocation.

Then, everything clicked in place. He felt a lump of bile come up to his throat along with the raw feeling of shame, and suddenly breathing was a task.

“Hyuck, I- I need to go.” he gasped out.

Donghyuck snapped his head up to look at him in confusion and mild alert after noticing how pale Renjun had become. “Hey, are you alright- Renjun!”

Renjun got up in a speed of light after recklessly packing his papers and shoving them all inside his bag. He needed to get away to somewhere safe. Somewhere no one could see him. Somewhere no one knew him.

Panic started to crawl its way under his skin as his feet functioned in automatic, taking him where he knew there were only a few students who lurk.

He didn’t know.

He hadn’t realized.

He was confused.

He was a selfish person.

The boy threw up on the nearest trash bin that he had laid his eyes upon after deeming that he was already out of Donghyuck’s field of vision. He felt his stomach churn in disgust as he heaved for another puke, more to himself than at the fact that he was relieving his body in a public place of the food he ate.

Exhausted, Renjun wiped his mouth with the sleeves of his jumper and slumped on the bench near the trash bin. He felt like crying at at the immediate feeling of fright hitting him like a tidal wave.

He wasn’t in love with Taeyong all this time after all.

 

 

The worst part about falling in love with Taeyong was not because he loved him, but because he wanted to be him- because he knew deep inside him that Jaehyun loved Taeyong faithfully and unconditionally.

He tried to ignore all the signs. He tried to fight the feeling. But he was weak and he was selfish- he didn’t realize that the line between envy and admiration were blurring out until he was already mixing the two, waist deep in the quicksand that he made for himself.

He thought he was in love with Taeyong but he wasn’t. He thought that if he loved Taeyong enough, his blue will color itself to the red that Jaehyun loved. In the end, he wanted to be Taeyong because he wanted Jaehyun for himself.

It was the most selfish thing a person could ever think about and in the process, Renjun had hurt all these innocent people.

He felt bile coming up again.

He was in love with Jaehyun all this time after all.

 

 

Falling in love with Jaehyun was all things falling in love with Taeyong, except it’s much more intense, more complex, and more, more, _more_.

Falling in love with Jaehyun was everything and nothing that words could explain.

 

 

Going through everyday with the knowledge that he was in love with Jaehyun felt like torture to him after realizing that he was subconsciously doing selfish actions to have him. Like telling Jaehyun before that he was in love with Taeyong, and feigning sleep when he realized that the other was close to crying. He didn’t knew then why he did it, but he knew now. Without realizing it, he was keeping Jaehyun away from Taeyong with his words and using the vulnerability of his situation for his own advantage.

He knew he was wrong then, now. And it felt like the weight on his shoulders tripled.

Then, that day came.

“Hey, did you wait long enough?” Jaehyun came out of the apartment building, sunny as ever, warming him with his smile. It hurt.

Renjun felt like crying.

Renjun smiled. “No. I just got here.”

“Well, come on up. Something’s waiting for you in the apartment!” Jaehyun excitedly said.

“Something?” Renjun asked as he let the older one whisk him inside with a hand tightly clutched on his wrist. Butterflies fluttered inside him. He grumbled, “It better not be Mark. We just saw each other yesterday.”

Jaehyun laughed. “What? No. You’ll see.”

“You know I hate surprises.”

“What are you saying? You love surprises.”

Jaehyun knew him like the back of his hand the way Renjun knew Jaehyun like the back of his. Maybe, if Renjun just tried to be himself more, would Jaehyun love him? If he confessed to Jaehyun, would he finally look his way then?

He wouldn’t know the answer if he never tried, right?

They entered the apartment and in that moment, Renjun had decided.

“Hey, Jaehyun.”

“Hmm?” Jaehyun said, smiling too giddily.

“Listen, I want to tell you something.” Renjun swallowed down the lump on his throat. It’s now or never. He just had to say it. There was no point in hiding. He looked at Jaehyun’s expectant eyes, boring into his with so much fondness and he felt courage build itself inside of him. He could do this.

“What is it-”

“I’m in love with you-”

“Surprise-!”

The three fell into a stunned silence as Renjun’s words settled in the air.

“Oh.” Taeyong said, frozen in his spot in the door to Jaehyun’s room. Renjun felt like the world was crumbling under his feet. Jaehyun stayed silent, eyes wide like saucers as he stare at Renjun with confusion and disbelief, face drained of color.

He gulped and turned to Taeyong, he didn’t need to see Jaehyun’s expression to know his answer. “H-hey, you’re back.” he said weakly, his voice trembling near the end. He wanted to leave. Tears started to prickle on the sides of his eyes, vision slowly blurring.

He couldn’t remember what happened next, all he knew was that he saw Mark, and he was out the door in a flash, shutting it gently as tears spilled from his eyes with an uncontrollable hiccup of sob tumbling out of his lips.

It was a disaster. The one time he decided to finally be true to himself and it turned out horribly. He wanted to disappear.

“-un! Renjun, wait- for fuck’s sake. Wait, please.” Jaehyun’s voice echoed and trickled in his hearing and he realized that his feet brought him to the fire stairwell.

He wiped his tears away and composed himself. “What? What more do you want, Jaehyun?”

“I’m in love with Taeyong.” he said breathlessly and Renjun slowly turned to him, a new set of tears forming on his eyes. He could see Jaehyun’s hand reach out. Renjun dodged it softly.

“I know.” When he smiled, it was wobbly. Smiling hurt. “I know because I know you.”

“Then-”

“Why? I don’t know too, Jaehyun. I didn’t mean to, but I couldn’t help myself. I thought I was in love with Taeyong but seeing him and the way you are with him, it felt like a stab here,” Renjun pointed a shaky finger to his left chest. “Because it made me realize that I wasn’t inlove with him. I was in love with the thought of being him. It was you all along. I wanted to be him, Jaehyun. Because you love him.”

The last sentence was spoken in whisper, but it sounded louder with the echoes within the fire escape. Renjun felt like the words were laughing back at him, mocking him, pitying him. It felt like a thousand voices yelling at him. Reality was harsher when spoken.

“Renjun, I’m sorry…” Jaehyun sounded helpless and broken, like it hurt him to see Renjun suffer because of him.

“For what? You didn’t do anything. It was my fault for falling. This is on me.”

Jaehyun stepped forward and Renjun stepped back until his back hit the wall. “No. I’m sorry for not realizing your feelings,” Jaehyun took his hands in his ever so softly, and Renjun bit his lip, looking down and watching in a blur as his tears fell like rain drops on their hands. Jaehyun continued, his voice unfairly gentle to Renjun’s shattered heart. “I should have, but I didn’t. I’m sorry I wasn’t a better friend. I’m sorry for not knowing you.”

“Jaehyun, you’re the best friend someone could ever have and I took advantage of that. I’m just- I’m sorry I wanted more than you could ever offer.” squeezing Jaehyun’s hands in his, Renjun lifted them up, brushing his lips gingerly on the back of the other’s hand.

Just one more time. One last time.

“Renjun, please.”

“Please, what?”

Jaehyun cupped his face and Renjun saw the tears glisten in his eyes. Then, it dawned on him that this was hurting Jaehyun too, more than what he expected.

“I need you. Please, don’t leave.” he whispered, begging.

Renjun took Jaehyun’s hand on his face and pulled it away, setting it down lightly but not letting go. “Jaehyun, don’t you think you’re being too selfish, right now?”

“Just- please. I can’t.”

“That’s unfair, J. Can’t you see?” Renjun stepped forward and carefully wiped the lone tear that escaped on his friend’s eye. Then, he caught his gaze. “We’re hurting each other by holding onto one another. I don’t want to be selfish anymore. I’ve kept you long enough for myself. You’re not going to be happy with me and you know that. We both know that. We’re two puzzles unfit for each other.

I’m tired of holding unto this. My hands are blistered and cut. It was selfish of me to think that as long as I can endure it, you’ll notice me one day. But I guess we can’t have everything we want.”

At that, Jaehyun cried. And Renjun wrapped him in his embrace as the elder clung unto him, sob racking his taller and bigger frame against his relatively smaller one.

“I’m sorry, Renjun. I love you.”

Renjun sighed and smiled bitterly, “I love you, too.”

But the meanings of the phrases varied for Renjun and Jaehyun, and both of them knew that.

 

ooOoo

Epilogue

 

It had been a year after that.

Renjun was a mess for quite a while, only ever going to school for the sake of finishing the semester. After that semester and all things considered, Renjun decided that it was best for him to go back to China and take his degree there like what his mother had wanted for him in the first place. He was confused, but he was trying.

He was hurt, but he was healing.

The street outside was buzzing with the metropolis’ fast life and he watched as people skitter past each other to get to wherever they needed to be, dodging bodies and gazes. He used to be like that. But now, he found that missing the little things was just as much of a waste as missing the bigger picture. The coffee shop he was in was quiet and quaint unlike the world outside. Renjun appreciated this serenity.

Love was complex. And scary. And painful. But love was more than the bad sides of it. Renjun realized that love was not because of the reasons- love was despite of the reasons.

You love despite of, and not because of. It was that easy. Renjun was at peace with it and with himself. He was done with the blaming. He was done hurting. And most of all, he was done with the pity party.

The bell of the entrance door tinkled, signalling that someone had entered the coffee shop and his attention was momentarily drawn to it. He was about to pay them no mind until he caught the man’s gaze and suddenly, memories from the past flooded his mind accompanied by the familiar face. The other’s eyes sparkled in recognition as he saw Renjun.

Carefully, he walked towards Renjun, silently asking if it was alright. If it was okay for him to approach him. Renjun slightly nodded, dumbfounded at the fact that he was in China.

Perhaps, Renjun could learn to love again but this time, he wouldn’t forget to also love himself. Renjun motioned for the other to sit on the chair across him, a genuine smile slowly forming on his lips.

“Hi.” the other said and smiled sheepishly.

“Hi.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has been such a joy (and torture) writing this but alas, I finally finished it. I might cry. I love this fic too much and I was so satisfied with the outcome of it. I hope everyone else is, too.
> 
> Thank you so much, R, for beta-ing this. I wouldn't have done it without your help. Everyone say thank you R. :P
> 
> For reading and appreciating my work, thank you. I appreciate every comment, kudos and hit. Let me know what you think about the story/ies? Who's your favorite? What scene hit you the hardest? Line? I'd love to hear your feedback. :)
> 
> Support my other and future works too! See you next time (hopefully soon?).
> 
>  
> 
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/hrjflairs) | [twt](https://twitter.com/renjunflairs)


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